Entering my 40s

4.13.2019

I've had this post brewing for a couple months now and I finally had the inspiration to piece it together- what better way than while flying over the Atlantic Ocean, en route to a week away with some beautiful women to celebrate life and friendship.
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I started this blog 10 years ago, two days shy of my 30th birthday.  I know I have my moments where I question the whole online living thing, but when I can look back at my words and memories, captured exactly as how I felt them, then I know that this is something I am meant to do and would love to keep doing as I usher in the next decade of life.


I turn 40 this week.


The funny thing is that I can still very clearly remember that turning 30 feeling.  (The 20s not so much...probably cause all the booze).  I recall thinking it was so old to be 30.  I felt like such a grown up.  Except at that stage in my life I was so far down the vortex of becoming a parent that I really had no concept of who I was.  Just as I'm sure that when I turn 50 I will dig back to this post that I'm composing on a flight while sipping a sparkly and much too sweet Italian wine and eating some very salty nuts.  
Ha. Nuts.  
I'm getting older but no one said I was more mature.   
I'm sure at 50 I will remember that feeling of celebrating a milestone birthday, thinking of how I had the world figured out when in reality I was still evolving.  

That leaves me with the question- did I ever have a true sense of self or have I always been changing?

Here's how I see it.  

First half of my life was spent under the tutelage of my parents and learning to become a kind, loving and responsible human.  I pushed boundaries, formed foundational friendships and lived experience that would mold me into the person I am now.   The people in my life were mostly there because of circumstance.  I realized my love for the french language at 17.  I gained an appreciation for the arts by studying piano and singing.  I fell in love with my sports: volleyball, ringette and fastball.  I wouldn't say I was overly deep or reflective and the only form of my thoughts that I have recorded are in letters written to friends and boyfriends.  I learned how to family from the best.  I was just a fraction of who I am now at that point.




The next decade, my 20s-30s were spent finding myself.  You know the elusive things that you absolutely have to attain by a certain age- a husband, kids, a home, a career.  All of those happened for me in my 20s. I feel like these were all very big wins for me.  Dan is my perfect match and has enraptured me since day one.  I loved every minute of my teaching career and was thrilled to get to start it off back at my alma mater, teaching my brother.   I still played my sports but most of my time was spent setting up my life.  We bought a house, got married and had our first babe.  I had no clue who I was in my 20s because really I feel like those years were spent chasing dreams.



The 30s were a whirlwind. It's so hard to know yourself when you haven't slept a full night rendering you mostly useless and your body has been morphed and stretched into something unrecognizable, making you feel like an inflated former version of yourself.  I reread the post I wrote on my 30th birthday ( you can read it here and you can see the amazing party they threw me here )

One thing that stuck out was re-reading my wish list for my 30s


There are many things I'd like to do in the next decade, I'll leave you today with a glimpse of what's to come.......
1-I'd love to have 3 or 4, possibly 5 kids.
2-I want to change careers and do something more creative, possibly videography/video-editing.
3- I want to grow to become the parent for Willis that my parents were for me. They are truly wonderful.
4-I want to fall in love with Dan more each day and find ways to keep things interesting...any suggestions?
5-I want to cherish my friends, old and new. I'm so lucky to have a solid group of girlfriends from high school, which is a rarity, and a BFF for the past 25 years, but there are also old friendships that I want to rekindle with people who were once so important to me and friends I don't see as much as I'd like to. So, to sum that one up : focus on maintaining friendships.

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And here I am standing on the cusp of my 40s, approaching the decade that finds me with the most free time I've had in ages, a new career (yes, I made a creative change!) and these wonderful kids that Dan and I are blessed to be raising (kinda thankful there aren't 4 or 5 of them)  For me, my 40s means I get to fulfil the dreams and goals I have been building all the while feeling, as Candace so eloquently put it, feeling whole


I AM HERE, I AM ME


And while I know I don't have the whole picture figured out and I'm sure I'm going to change tons in the next 10 years, there are some things I am certain of.

I am built tough physically- my body is strong and sexy AF and I wouldn't change that for anything.  I feel beautiful the majority of the time.
Also, I'm strong emotionally- having lost some wonderful friends and family in the past 20 years has taught me where I stand on this earth and value of the blessings we have in our earthly life.
I will be married to one man my whole life, he is my rock and I love him to bits.
My friends are the pillars that hold me up.
My family will always be at my side.

And in the end, if that's all I have, then I am pretty damn grateful and blessed.  




As for my goals for the next 10 years? Let me think on that one....I have some cheese and wine and bread and chocolate to consume on my trip with these three inspiring women and I'm certain that at the end of it, I'll have a clearer picture of who I am and who I want to become.

Stay tuned each night for an update on our adventures.



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