Identity Loss


What percentage of your identity is taken up by your profession?  Does what you do define who you are?

I almost had a job subbing back at my old school last week but things didn’t work out and I couldn’t take it.  Turns out when I terminated my contract in June it meant I had to reapply to be a sub.  Oops, didn’t know that.  But then I had a moment and remembered that back in June I had also decided that I was going to completely call it quits and not sub and there was a reason for that.

I don’t know about you but guilt is a real struggle for me.  You know that feeling, the one where you feel you have to do everything and that saying no is equivalent to shutting the door to opportunity? Or you just hate letting people down?  You see,  I knew that if I kept my foot in the door for teaching that there would always be a part of me that could easily be persuaded into going back.  I find myself continually getting stuck in between the chasm of wanting to be a productive member of society and wanting to be the best at what I’m doing now: momming.  Which is crazy, because isn’t parenting one of the most demanding jobs you’ve ever had? Or are my kids just #extra.  They're cute but also can be completely psychotic.

I hate forms and mostly all paper work in general.
There have been a couple times in the past month or so that I had to fill out a form stating my job.  I had to hesitate because instinct had me putting down "teacher" yet I am no longer that.
So if I'm not a teacher,  what am I?  What do I fill in on that blank without feeling like I have lost a huge part of who I am?  Part of me wants to be a smart ass, okay actually all of me does.  Many times I have been tempted to put down my current job description as my title:

Life Planner and Organizer?
She who tucks them in?
She who gets dirty looks?
She who must not be named?
Master Puppeteer?

It has almost been 3 full months now that I haven't had a job and you’d think I’d have made peace with this identity loss I have been experiencing.  It has been nice to have friendly ears to bounce my thoughts off of; women who are going through the same thing and feeling the same feels.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  Really- that isn’t a horrible thing is it when it pushes us towards growth?

When it comes down to the grit and grime of what matters, I know that I need to feel useful, productive, creative and fulfilled.  I know that me taking on the household management frees up tons of time for my husband who is currently building another company.  So that is important to me.  And I'm also confidant that what I'm meant to do will be shown, doors will open and I will be pushed towards something that will bring me as much joy and fulfillment that teaching has for 15 years.

I had a neat moment on the weekend, running into one of my favourite former students who is now fully grown up- he made me remember how much I did love my job, but in the same breathe- it feels awesome knowing that maybe I went out at the top of my game.

Now to figure out what the next chapter will look like.

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