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Good grief?

Grief, she's a funny thing.

Every year as June 14th approaches, I find myself getting drawn back into the memories, the emotions and the raw feelings that grief entails.  I have had 16 years to deal with this and what I've learned is that it doesn't necessarily get any easier, just different.

I had no experience with real grief before losing one of my best friends, therefore I had no idea how to cope.  Thankfully my net of support was all encompassing and they understood when I needed to talk or when I needed to cry.

For the first year after Kelly died, I did just that: I cried daily and visited her grave religiously.
After the year anniversary, the tears slowly dissipated but they were replaced with a raw sadness; a sadness realizing just how much you can miss someone's presence in your life.
Then slowly over the years, I started to smile again when I thought of her and I would purposely bring to mind memories of her in hopes of not forgetting.

You see, I think the thing I fear most is forgetting her.
And I know that's crazy- she was such a big part of our lives that you can't forget someone where love was that present.   Her memory is alive any time I look at my old pictures, watch the ball videos, see her family, or hang out with Alison.  I have made it impossible to not speak her name in a day, giving Lucia her name...my sweet Lucia Kelly.  I also drive by the site where the accident happened every day.  So realistically, my fear of forgetting her is illogical.

And I think those who've experienced this or are experiencing this would agree? It has been nice to talk to Jordan this week and hear her talk of her grief and to message with Mel who is approaching the year mark of her daughter, Shaye's death on how they will be remembering her this year.  It reminds me to continue to ride out these waves of grief as they bring light to a soul we want to remember with love.

So that is where I currently am this week: entwined in a web of memories, not really wanting to be freed but also wanting the memories of June 14 to pass and for the happy moments to return, where I can think of my friend and smile, knowing that's what she did best and would want us to be doing too.

Remembering Kelly from Dee on Vimeo.

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