Stream of consciousness

I admit it. I'm feeling disengaged.  Well maybe not disengaged because I'm not too sure that's the right word. Going to look it up.....

Yup, nope. Wrong context because I didn't do this on purpose.  Rather, let's say I'm feeling passive. But kinda an quai-active passive...which doesn't really exist.  More like I'm just floating through the days doing things but not really doing them?

Whatever. You get my drift. Maybe. I'm not even sure I get my own drift. ummmmmmm snow drift. It's too bad they don't sell that delight in the winter.  Slush and ice cream.  Best invention ever. Except for wine in a box.  And self checkouts.
I don't like talking to people unless I have to.
I also have started not enjoying talking on the phone.  Which is weird because I grew up with a phone attached to my ear. My parents even got me my own landline.  That's why Christy and I know each other inside out or outside in.  We would talk for 3 hours after school.   We were the definition of cool. Or at least we thought we were.
*****leaves computer to go get a glass of wine. It's about that time.******

I ran out of christmas cards this year. Fail.
I haphazardly flung lights around the basement Christmas tree and put one ornament on it.  The box is still sitting next to it, expecting me to decorate. I still haven't vacuumed up the pine needle mess. Fail.
I have absolutely nothing to bring home for Christmas this weekend. Good thing my mom is newly retired and baked EVERY FREAKING RECIPE IN HER KITCHEN.  I will likely come home 7 lbs heavier. Fail.
Shit. I forgot to pack the presents. Fail
*******considers going to locate them and then forgets which box was for which family Christmas. And I don't remember which box I send home with Mom and Dad so I'll have to call Dad.  And now Willis is back awake because he can't sleep.  He's too scared.  I asked him if he thinks I'm cool.  He glared and stomped back downstairs.*******

So en route to procuring the presents from the furnace room, I stopped in on Willis for a snuggle to help him fall asleep.  I'm a great mom that way.  But instead I find that I'm in a destrucful destructing destructy badass mood and lick him on the cheek instead.  I'm a great mom that way.  He's so annoyed with me.  Serves him right, being so cute.
Sometimes I feel pesky like that in class and those are the days when I'm likely to take a kids' binder and dump out their contents, requesting that they get their life in order. Which I think is definitely better than licking them on the cheek. Yuck.  That would be wrong.
But would it have been wrong had I licked my brother on the cheek whilst I was teaching him?


I mean, he clearly thought it was okay to hop on my back during a lesson on Napoleon or something. Maybe we were acting it out.  Why do I appear to be picking my nose?  And also, who dressed me? Why did I feel it was necessary to wear a man's dress shirt with no shape.  I had shape back then (and perky boobs)  Which is not at all related to teaching, but more so to the lack of birthing and feeding children.
Anyway.
I would like to disengage from this conversation.

So, I was talking about feeling kinda floaty this advent.  I think I've come to the conclusion that it's mostly centred around this transition.  Last year on this day we buried our Grams and really, last Christmas was just a sad haze.  This Christmas I have been wrapping my brain around what it means to be without my Grandmothers.  I feel like I have now lost the two women who defined Christmas for me and really created every single tradition and memory I have.  I know I have big shoes to fill because I most definitely want my children to experience the love and the beauty of the Christmas season.
But you know what, let's save that for another post. I feel I have more to say.

For now, I'm going to go experience what Christmas is for me this weekend: sacred time with my family, rituals and traditions shared and that true feeling of being loved.

Have a blessed weekend.




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