Stream of consciousness

by - December 18, 2015

I admit it. I'm feeling disengaged.  Well maybe not disengaged because I'm not too sure that's the right word. Going to look it up.....

Yup, nope. Wrong context because I didn't do this on purpose.  Rather, let's say I'm feeling passive. But kinda an quai-active passive...which doesn't really exist.  More like I'm just floating through the days doing things but not really doing them?

Whatever. You get my drift. Maybe. I'm not even sure I get my own drift. ummmmmmm snow drift. It's too bad they don't sell that delight in the winter.  Slush and ice cream.  Best invention ever. Except for wine in a box.  And self checkouts.
I don't like talking to people unless I have to.
I also have started not enjoying talking on the phone.  Which is weird because I grew up with a phone attached to my ear. My parents even got me my own landline.  That's why Christy and I know each other inside out or outside in.  We would talk for 3 hours after school.   We were the definition of cool. Or at least we thought we were.
*****leaves computer to go get a glass of wine. It's about that time.******

I ran out of christmas cards this year. Fail.
I haphazardly flung lights around the basement Christmas tree and put one ornament on it.  The box is still sitting next to it, expecting me to decorate. I still haven't vacuumed up the pine needle mess. Fail.
I have absolutely nothing to bring home for Christmas this weekend. Good thing my mom is newly retired and baked EVERY FREAKING RECIPE IN HER KITCHEN.  I will likely come home 7 lbs heavier. Fail.
Shit. I forgot to pack the presents. Fail
*******considers going to locate them and then forgets which box was for which family Christmas. And I don't remember which box I send home with Mom and Dad so I'll have to call Dad.  And now Willis is back awake because he can't sleep.  He's too scared.  I asked him if he thinks I'm cool.  He glared and stomped back downstairs.*******

So en route to procuring the presents from the furnace room, I stopped in on Willis for a snuggle to help him fall asleep.  I'm a great mom that way.  But instead I find that I'm in a destrucful destructing destructy badass mood and lick him on the cheek instead.  I'm a great mom that way.  He's so annoyed with me.  Serves him right, being so cute.
Sometimes I feel pesky like that in class and those are the days when I'm likely to take a kids' binder and dump out their contents, requesting that they get their life in order. Which I think is definitely better than licking them on the cheek. Yuck.  That would be wrong.
But would it have been wrong had I licked my brother on the cheek whilst I was teaching him?

I mean, he clearly thought it was okay to hop on my back during a lesson on Napoleon or something. Maybe we were acting it out.  Why do I appear to be picking my nose?  And also, who dressed me? Why did I feel it was necessary to wear a man's dress shirt with no shape.  I had shape back then (and perky boobs)  Which is not at all related to teaching, but more so to the lack of birthing and feeding children.
I would like to disengage from this conversation.

So, I was talking about feeling kinda floaty this advent.  I think I've come to the conclusion that it's mostly centred around this transition.  Last year on this day we buried our Grams and really, last Christmas was just a sad haze.  This Christmas I have been wrapping my brain around what it means to be without my Grandmothers.  I feel like I have now lost the two women who defined Christmas for me and really created every single tradition and memory I have.  I know I have big shoes to fill because I most definitely want my children to experience the love and the beauty of the Christmas season.
But you know what, let's save that for another post. I feel I have more to say.

For now, I'm going to go experience what Christmas is for me this weekend: sacred time with my family, rituals and traditions shared and that true feeling of being loved.

Have a blessed weekend.

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  1. Oh I have hose days too. Indescribable, peevish ones! Hope you have an amazing weekend friend!

  2. I also ran out of Christmas cards this year. Does that make us popular? At least when you asked Willis if you were cool he didn't answer. I got a big fat N-O. We are also cheek lickers at our house. Well Cooper is.

  3. I laughed when you said you don't like to talk to people unless you have to. That's totally me. Must be why I like you so much. Which is ironic because I really like talking to you. I love this post, and I totally get it, because I'm feeling kind of floaty too. And my dad didn't even like Christmas, but still... I hope you have a really great weekend with all those people who love you so much!

  4. I love your voice and your train of thought. I think teachers have a quota of people we can like in a day and when it gets near a break, after liking 100 of them a day (in high school), there is no more room for more people. Add the deep heavy heart stuff and nope. No wiggle room. I hope you soak in that family time surrounded by love.

  5. Gah I'm not doing so hot in the Christmas department this year. Normally I've baked and bought and been all kitschy and Stepford Wife. Not this year. Hahaha. Oh well. Have a great weekend!!

  6. love reading what your thinking, mostly because it confirms that 1. we both have ADD and 2. we're even more similar than I thought.

    Also... wine.

    I'm sorry about the shitty reminders this time of the year brings :( Holidays without the people we love suck.

    I hope you have an awesome family-filled (and wine-filled, obvi) weekend. I'll be sure to text you. Oh wait, texting now. :)

    Confessions of a Frumpy Mommy

  7. I loved reading this! I'm also really behind in the Christmas department but figure it will all fall into place at some point next week. I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your family!

    Doused In Pink

  8. I hear you!!! I am glad you reached for the wine. :) Have a very blessed Christmas, girl!! Hang in there! XOXXO

  9. Our writing group often does this same kind of writing practice. My mind is always all over the place so it isn't to much different than my normal. I liked the post Shaunacey wrote, similar to this, that you encouraged her to do, too.


Have a lovely day!