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Mommy Diaries: Carrie

Carrie is up today and I'm very happy she agreed to share her story,   I filed it under a Mommy Victory because of the honesty and truth she speaks.

I love my daughter. I always have even when she told me she did not love me. When she told me I was dead to her and she would no longer communicate with me, ever. I still loved her. I loved her and I had hope that it would not always be the way it was in that moment. 

The relationship between a mom and her daughter {or son} is one based in love yet it can be peppered with conflict. Such is life and the days of humans. Even giving birth to a child which immediately intertwines one heart to one another in a deep bond, there will enviably be conflict. That conflict may persist and bring unforeseen pain. This is the ongoings of life with the very daughter I birthed and love dearly. 

As I look back over the years of the relationship with my daughter, I realized how I lacked pursing my daughter on a deeper level of realness. Understanding what was going on behind her outer self was an area of complete fail for me. She was a well mannered and well behaved child and teenager. Rarely were there discipline issues, but that obedience masked a deeper rebellion caused by things I knew nothing about until recently. Because she was well behaved I didn’t take the time to seek to know what was really brewing in her heart. Big snafu on my part.

Over time, I have come to the understanding that outward obedience does not necessarily mean everything is well and fine in the heart. For out of the heart the mouth speaks and actions follow suit (Matthew 15:17-18). The motives are found in the heart and peeling back those layers through caring conversations is vital to working through issues and for a heart to heal from catastrophic or lesser wounds. We all can see our current culture the array of wounds carried by so many who appear “normal” and then SNAP. Something triggers that vulnerable ticking time bomb inside and life goes in a direction that was never imagined. I didn’t see it coming because I failed to know my daughter at that deeper level.

Several years were quite difficult but my hope was always reconciliation and restoration. My husband and I prayed together to that end. We watched her make a more toward us and then like a frightened deer run off in another direction. We watched it again and again. But finally, it was the time and she pursued a relationship. We welcomed her with open arms and sought to love her wholeheartedly. We talked, we forgave we reconciled and we are being restored to one another. We are still growing that relationship. We are still bandaging wounds. We are bearing with her as she confronts her inward demons. We love her. She is still our daughter. There is no grudge and there are no major boundaries. Our desire is to be as the father in the story of the prodigal son who ran to meet his son when he came home after committing much wrongdoing. We simply want to love her and honor our Lord by loving her. In Luke 15:1-32 the story of the Prodigal Son is found. The biggest takeaway is this: But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. This is how I want to love my daughter because this is how my Father in Heaven loves me. He is my great example of true, sincere and self-sacrificing love.  

If there is anything I enjoy about getting older and passing that half century mark it is the blessing to look back at life and begin to see and understand what unravelled or transpired over time to get to where my relationships are now in this present moment. I am able to look more honestly at myself and recognize my failures and successes. I have learned much and understand more than at any other point in my life. This is one blessing of growing older. It calms you and humbles you in a variety of ways. 

One final word - love doesn’t always mean just wanting and speaking the good stuff but rather there are times the best love you can give someone is to speak truth. Sometimes the truth can hurt but that hurt can be a catalyst for change, growth or for facing a problem that needs to be addressed. Sometimes love allows us to suffer and/or suffer through consequences in order to grow into maturity. I know there will always be pain in this life (I Peter 4:12) and I know relationships are messy but through the mess a stronger love and a more mature and less selfish person loves develops. It’s called growing up into maturity (1 Corinthians 13:11). 

Carrie is a first time Mommy Diary entrant, but is well versed in blogosphere.  You check out her blog here and read the post she did for What Love Looks Like here.


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