Carrying the weight of the world and finding peace.

by - February 15, 2013

The more I think about it, the more I come to realize that I haven't been in a really super good place lately.

I feels as though I have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and it's time that I let go of it.  I miss having a hop in my step and true joy in my smile.  I long to be that silver lining girl again who believes in everything and everybody.  I need to get back to that place where I feel peace and can be the best friend, daughter, sister, teacher, mom and wife.

But what are you worrying about now, you ask.

There are many different facets to this stress and it comes and it goes, so there are many answers to that question, but the main things that have causing a tight pain in my lower back are close to my heart.  And I'm not convinced they are bad stresses, but rather major players in my life that are really out of my control that concern my family or my friends and therefore obviously concern me.
I worry about Alynne who is carrying the weight of caring for a sick mom and a young family.  I pray for Jordan who is nearing the end of a risky? stressful? (not too sure what word to use here) and undoubtedly scary pregnancy.  I can't stop thinking this house isn't going to sell and we'll lose our build and lastly, I have the weight of Lucia's growth hormone tests to manage.

The thing is, I don't mind being concerned for my friends, in fact, it's one of those times in life where I feel the  intrinsic spiritual connection that we share much more profoundly.  I know they can feel my love when they are in my thoughts, so that is a cloud that doesn't bother me too much.  I hope to always care deeply about my friends and when they hurt, I hurt.  That's just who I am.  So that stress is manageable. Prayer helps.
Speaking of that intrinsic link that I feel we have as friends, last night when I was pondering this post, I got a random Valentine text from Heidi and it brought me to tears because it really voices exactly how I've been feeling lately.

And just like that, I found peace.  So let's move on.

The house thing is really out of my control and I know I must learn patience.  Having been sick for the past three weeks, I've really been unable to do anything about it anyway.  But now that I'm feeling better I will do something- paint.  Neutral, neutral, neutral it is.  That way at least I feel I'm doing something .

And lastly, there's Lucia's results.

We got the results from Lucia's growth hormone test on Wednesday and found out that she is producing a very small amount of the hormone and therefore can be considered deficient.  Without getting into the specifics and what would turn into a very long post, we learned about the risks, the cost, and the plan of said treatment.  It is something we will be pursuing for her as we feel the benefits outweigh the few risks (that are rare) and hopefully this will be something that will improve her quality of life.
But how do you feel about it?
We've been asked that a lot and I think I'm still unsure on how to answer it. I think mostly I feel relieved that we have an answer and we can move on from this stage that took us nearly two years to get to.  I'm ready for our new normal.  Lucia will get use to getting nightly needles and we'll get used to the monitoring that is done in this conservative treatment.  She'll have x-rays to watch her bone growth, she'll have an MRI to see if the gland is a developmental thing, she'll have blood tests to make sure that once the growth hormone is replaced, the thyroid doesn't slow down.....I guess I will turn that silver lining on and be grateful that my daughter's health will be closely monitored.  But I'm not going to lie; there is a part of me that wants to scream and cry and beg for my daughter to have a normal, stress free life.   But I know that's unrealistic.  What's normal anyway?
I think Jordan put it perfectly on summing up how I'm feeling: ready to take a step forward.
My friends are so smart.

I know I can't control what happens in my life, or the lives of my family and friends.  But I also know the power of love.  And when it comes down to it,  Lucia will know love and to me, that is the most important thing of all.

In the simple act of writing this post, I feel already that the weight of my world has been lifted.  It's almost like having a good, ugly cry or ventfest with good friends.  So thanks for listening, my friends.
Have a great weekend.

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  1. Hey big cuz
    Too funny I read this while I'm feeling the SAME emotions (obviously about different issues). I send all my best to you and your family. You were blessed with our mothers and grandmothers strength and as cheesy as it is, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger (thank you kelly clarkson)
    All my best xo


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