Fall Home Tour

One of those days.

Do you have ever those days, or those weeks for that matter where life doesn't stop raining on your parade? When stress keeps sneakily building itself up in the base of your back or in the depths of your shoulders?
Stress to me is anxiety, specifically I can't control.  Anxiety is something that is relatively new to me and basically started when I was expecting Lucia.  I'd get random (and always irrational) panic attacks over the littlest things; my heart racing, my mind wandering into unwanted terrain.  I hate them.
I feel like my week has definitely been....stressful?  The majority of time, I can manage the junk that is thrown my way- I've developed some breathing techniques and coping strategies to help me throw them.  But lately, I feel like I've been losing that battle; my inner crazy is winning.
Really, nothing out of the ordinary has happened to make me feel this way- but enough has to throw me off a bit.

Lucia had her appointment with the hormone specialist yesterday.  They want to look into why she's not growing as she should (n.b -she does grow, just in small increments).  I really should have been more prepared for this because when the doctor requested an x-ray and more bloodwork, it really threw me through a loop.  Again, I knew this would happen but still when you hear that something may be not right with your child- your world stops and worry takes over.
It's like I automatically go to worst case scenario.
I hate that I do this.  Maybe it's because my innocent, naive bubble has been burst with Dad's diagnosis.  Or Grandma's.  Or Kelly's death.  I've seen enough ugly in the world to know that shit DOES happen to people around you and you understand that it could just as easily happen to you. When Dad was diagnosed with skin cancer, I had a mole removed that same week- it's like my mind (a.k.a my inner crazy) convinces me that it's going to happen to me too.  Grandma has breast cancer?  Guess who also thinks she has it and has to get an ultrasound done just to be sure.  Seriously, it's ridiculous and I know that it's all mind over matter but I'm very aware of the realities out there. 

So I'm left with the knowledge of where my inner crazy can take me and I decided that I needed to take to my blog.  And you know what?  It felt SO good to get this off my chest.  In fact I feel so much more in control and confident that my little girl is just that, that I will hang up this satchel of worry and leave it on the worry tree until I can deal with it.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace...... 


You have no clue how much better I already feel.  Thanks for hearing me out....today is a new day.
Have a fantastic Wednesday, things can only go up from here! 

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