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Recollections

Tuesday morning, April 24th, I awoke at 4:30 am to the sounds of Willis blowing his nose....boogers, mom....and then Lucia consequently wailing.  Willis went straight back to bed, but alas, Lucia wouldn't.
She insisted on momma's bed.
So, barely coherent, I caved hoping that she'd fall quickly back to sleep.
Lucia had a different plan: she kicked, she gawked, she squirmed until I'm pretty sure, I fell back asleep before her.
Not before though, fully awake by this point,  I had some time to lay in bed and let my mind wander (which is usually what I do when trying to get back to sleep).

I thought about how soon Dan would be getting up to go to Regina.
I pondered my outfit for the day and how I'd sneak a shower in, when she was sleeping in my bed and if my alarm clock would wake her up.
I thought about my lesson plans for the day and how my Tuesday would look.
And then my mind wandered to Grandma.  Would she last another day?  How would my mom handle it?  I pictured Grandma in a state of peace, wondering if she knew that she was nearing the end and if she had come to terms with that.
Time and time again, the first line of a poem I barely remember or know would flow through my thoughts.... do not go gentle into that good night.
Except (having my own version because I never remember things verbatim) I kept saying over and over again, go gently into the cool, calm night.
No clue why I was suddenly remembering it, but that line stuck in my head.  I was so clueless, in fact that I had to google it and I'm pretty sure I recognize it from high school.  I plan on consulting with my English teacher friends to find out.

Anyway, point being that around the same time that my Grandma was slipping into an eternal rest on Tuesday morning,  I was reciting these words to myself in order to help me get back to sleep.
That brings me peace today as I struggle with the fact that my Grandma is gone and it makes me feel a little bit closer to her.  It's in moments like those, that I truly believe in the presence of a compassionate and loving God.  Some may call it a coincidence, an over-active imagination or who knows what else, but to me, it was a spiritual moment I was sharing.  Who knows, maybe Grandma could sense my thoughts on her, and maybe, I'd like to think, that gave her some sense of peace.

It's a lot different grieving for a Grandparent this time around.  10 years ago when my Grandpa Park passed away, we didn't get to say goodbye or prepare ourselves- a heart attack took him in the middle of a beautiful summer's day.  There wasn't facebook, which I find to help immensely with the sense of community when your  support system is spread across the country. I've truly found peace in the kind messages from family, friends and acquaintances and they mean more than you would know.  I kinda get what Jordan was always saying about how it feels when someone acknowledges your loss.  It's almost like they are validating that you are hurting, that you have feelings and by doing so it lifts me up.  So thank you again.

Losing a Grandma isn't easy- but I feel at peace knowing that she led a good life and she leaves behind a legacy of love that we shall celebrate the shiznit out of this weekend!

celebrating our engagement at Emerald Lake
Celebrating Lisa and Ira's wedding in Vernon

Celebrating Sarah's acid wash overalls and Kyla's flowered culottes?

The mortgage burning- a gift from their children.  Aren't Tracy and I cute??


Look at how much I loved my Grandparents then. And then look at my mom's spectacles!! LOVE IT! That shirt would be in style now. Just saying.

My parent's wedding???

Christmas in Marcelin.  Nothing compares.  And a cute little Rob in the corner

I was always my Grandma's girl.  This reminds me of a text my friend, Carmen sent me last night, saying how sad she was for me because Grandmas are so special and like another mom. You hit that one on the money, Carm! Mom could always get me to behave by simply saying : What would your Grandmother say????

And that Christmas tree is still up.

La messe de minuit.  Another Christmas favourite.  My hair- not so much.

Kyla getting a trim

I think this may be me???
     
          Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
~Dylan Thomas

Comments

  1. Good morning dear niece. you have such a gift of words. i hope you write a book someday. I wanted to sing hymns to mom on Sunday and for the life of me I couldn't remember any words. On monday some words came it was gentle woman that came to me. I sangs the words to her as she sleep peacefully. She was mu gentle mother and i will miss her more than words can say.

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  2. Deena, this made me cry. I agree with you that it wasn't a coincidence that you were thinking of your grandma and those words right around the time she was crossing over. We are all connected and in that moment I believe you were connected to her. Love you.

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  3. Your grandma is so beautiful. Even through pictures you can tell how much love she shared for you and your family!

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  4. Your grandma is beautiful. Even through pictures it is evident the love she shared for you and your family!

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