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On losing a friend

June 14th, 2001.

It has been 10 years without Kelly. 10 years of tears, heartache and stories that she would only understand left untold.  10 years of spiritual growth as I try to wrap my brain around a dear friend leaving this earth far too soon and what that leaves me believing about a loving God.

I remember that day far too clearly.  It was a Thursday and we were in the process of planning Alison's bridal shower.  Kelly and Alison were both planning weddings for that summer and Ali's bridal shower/stagette would fall that weekend.  Our last phone conversation would be about the underwear we were going to buy Alicat for the stagette portion.
That Thursday I geared up for a ball game in Shellbrook, looking forward to a weekend with the girls.  I remember we were playing Debden and were batting.  Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in the bleachers watching and when I saw my Dad pull up I was curious, concerned and just happy to see him.  I ran out to speak to him but could already tell something was wrong by the way he was hanging his head, by the way he greated me.  He choked back tears as he told me "Kelly was killed in a car accident today" and then he hugged me.  It was one of those strong, powerful hugs that only a dad can give a daughter, a hug that said "I wish I could take away your pain"
I remember walking back to the bench, informing my team what had just happened and asking a fellow teammate and friend if she wanted to come home with me.
The drive was a blur. All I can remember are trees, making a few phone calls to cancel our stagette in Saskatoon and music.  These are the moments that I thank God that I'm alive....I could not ask for more.  Edwin McCain's ballad was playing and became etched into my memory of that day.  Weird how that happens.
I remember coming home and there already being friends gathered for support:  Annie, Carmen, the Regels.  I think that was when the grief hit me the most.  I don't remember this but Carmen said I immediately threw up.  I do remember changing into my yellow russell sweats and curling up on the couch next to Dale.  The rest of the night was a blurry mess of tears and phone calls.  I had to phone some friends, André and Gaetan, to let them know.  I remember crying on the phone when Christy called and also when Aunty Chris called.  I remember wanting desperately to talk to Alison but she was en route to P.A with Mike.  After that everything falls into a big jumble of memories of feelings I never wanted to feel.

On every June 14th a part of me relives those moments.  The feelings become raw again, the pain being almost as intense as it was 10 years ago.  True, time does heal wounds, but it doesn't take much to open them up again and I will never deprive myself of that because it helps me to remember and appreciate her more.
She is someone I never want to forget.
On most days I think of her and can laugh and remember fondly, I can look forward to the day I meet her again and I can be grateful for the years I had her as a friend.  I have learned a lot from her during our years as friends and even now, after death.  I am a better person because of her and I will never let her life be in vain.

My heart goes out to her family because they lost the most that day.  Nothing can ever fill that gap that was left in their lives.  Life is not fair.

So today I will spend in silent reflection, reverting to my thoughts, my memories and everything I have left that keeps her alive in my life.  I will work a bit harder on the video montage I've been preparing in honour of her and I will love the people around me a little more today.

Kelly, you are always in my heart.  You will never be forgotten. I love you.
D

Erin, Kelly and I.  Back in the good old ball days.

Me, Kelly and Alison



Comments

  1. A beautiful to tribute to a beautiful friend.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Life isn't fair. Your post brought tears. Thinking of you. Love Jordan.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for this beautiful post Dee!!! We are so lucky that Kelly's friends have remained in our lives. We miss Kelly more than words can say.

    Colleen

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for the beautiful post it brings back alot good memories as Kelly is dearly missed.

    C Thompson

    ReplyDelete

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