Today is my birthday.
It is officially my last year in the dirty 30s; next year I graduate to the big leagues- the mostly feared /loathed 40s.
I feel like I have spent the last 9 years both defining and losing myself.
I wrapped my brain around being a mom in my 30s. I gained 2 beautiful children but also weight.
I experienced some of my greatest teaching moments and also said goodbye to my career.
I fell more in love with my husband, honoured my family and stayed true to my friends.
But at the same time with all that goodness, I spent a lot of time doing things for others and lost contact with myself.
I got too busy.
Don't we all do that at some point in life? When do we ever get that person/time back?
We have this version of ourselves that we're striving for that is possibly imaginary and practically unattainable. You know the narrative:
It's the if onlys that occupy our mind.
The if only I had the body I had when I was 20. My God, if only I could jump as high as I could when I was 18 without my knees breaking. If only my skin was as clear and tight and glowy as it was 5 years ago.
We're constantly looking back, wishing for something that is as far out of our reach as high, firm boobs and non-jiggly arms are.
Thusly, I have decided that starting now, I'm going to spend the preparation for this next decade looking forward. My 40s are when I will rediscover who it is that I am actually becoming. I will embrace the hobbies that cater to my creative spirit. I will let go of the people, things, habits that were of my youth that don't serve me now. I will unabashedly say no to things I don't want to do while whole-heartedly and intentionally committing to projects that bring light to my spirit and perk to my step. I will continue to cherish the friendships that have faithfully walked beside me and put all my heart into my family.
I'm not scared of 39. Too many special people in my life didn't make it to 39 and don't have this honour and privilege to walk amongst the living.
So there you have it, my anthem for this year.
This is 39